Premarital Sex and Shacking Up

 Yes, I'm going there.

And just to clarify, I write this blog post to followers of Christ (why would an unbeliever care about God's plan for relationships?)

Just like pornography, premarital sex is a huge problem in today's world that many shy away from talking about. Taking a look at the Bible, it never says, "Thou shalt not live together in a house and have sex before thou are married." Because many people are looking for exact wordage to correct their lives, they miss the principles in the Bible. People usually look for "loopholes" in Scripture that they can use to rationalize their lifestyle, instead of looking at it for what it says.

"Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people." Ephesians 5:3

People who live together and/or engage in sexual relations outside of marriage, take part in what we call premarital sex. Have you watched TV or movies lately? The whole view of marriage is thwarted in media. It is the norm and completely tolerated for couples to live together before they are married, sometimes it is even encouraged. We use terms like, "make love" to describe sex before or outside of marriage. In popular shows we see that premarital sex is something a person does when they "love" the other person, with no mention of commitment or marriage. Without knowing it, this generation is faced with a decision to obey God's Word or the world's teaching.

In Bible times, it was rare for anyone to live together and have sex before marriage. Paul writes this to the church at Corinth:

 "Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:18-20

The Greek word translated “sexual immorality” or “fornication” in these verses is porneia (modern word for “pornography”). It basically means, “unlawful lust.”The meaning of the word "fornication" means any unlawful (or outside the law-abiding act of marriage) sexual intercourse, including adultery. 1 Corinthians 6:13 says, "But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies."

The reasons people "shack up:"

- "Try on the shoe to see if it fits" mentality. I have heard people say this before as if we "rent" another person and become married to them physically, emotionally, and mentally but not officially. God's plan for sex is in the context of a covenant marriage relationship. Any sex outside of marriage is fornication (premarital) or adultery (affair). Paul writes to the church at Corinth about sexual immorality:

"Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to live a celibate life. But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband." 1 Corinthians 7:1

"Yes, I am afraid that when I come again, God will humble me in your presence. And I will be grieved because many of you have not given up your old sins. You have not repented of your impurity, sexual immorality, and eagerness for lustful pleasure." 2 Corinthians 12:31

- Financial reasons. Usually this is the main reason people live together. Usually the financial reason quickly disappears. The "separate room" mentality quickly changes into sharing a room together. Fornication quickly follows. My encouragement would be if you are living together, to go get married! If you are "burning with passion" then you should be married.

See what the Apostle Paul says,

"But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust." 1 Corinthians 7:9

"When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures." Galatians 5:19

 - Relationship with benefits but no commitment. People want to sleep together with no strings attached, especially guys. To be honest, women get the raw end of the deal. Usually they are bringing more to the table, emotionally and physically while men bring low commitment and security to the woman. David Popenhoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University say, "Men experience few social pressures to marry, gain many of the benefits of marriage by cohabiting with a romantic partner, and are ever more reluctant to commit to marriage in their early adult years." The reality is that sexual sin affects the mind, will and the emotions. According to God's Word, sexual fulfillment is only blessed in covenant marriage between a man and a woman (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5). Anything outside of marriage (premarital sex, adultery, homosexuality) is sin.

What do we do about sexual sin? Paul writes in Colossians 3:5, "So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world." Scripture is clear that marriage is great! In today's culture it is important to model that fact that a Christ-centered marriage is fun, exciting and a blessing. Marriage is God's first institution. He created it!

The Biblical Marriage: 

- The church is the bride and Jesus is the groom. God is committed to us and this was seen through the sacrifice of the cross. His unconditional love for his bride is the standard that should be instilled in a marriage relationship.

 "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." Ephesians 5:22-28.

- Sexual fulfillment is found in a marriage relationship (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). God created sex! It is His idea. In the marriage relationship it is fulfilled. Marriage is a picture of Christ and His commitment to His children. Marriage should be honored and commitment to each other should be the foundation. If a marriage is missing Jesus at the center, it can easily crumble in today's culture.

- Model forgiveness and commitment. The marriage relationship is to help children see that forgiveness is a part of a healthy relationship. Cohabitation is experiencing the benefits without the commitment. Marriage says, "to death do us part" not "I'll love you when I feel like loving you." Marriage is an ongoing relationship with two sinners learning to love and forgive each other.

  "Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery." Hebrews 13:4

Will God forgive me if I have failed sexually? Yes! God's love and forgiveness is available to anyone who comes to Him. God's story is to redeem mankind. Through the power of Christ, we can be forgiven and made whole. God can build a great marriage even if both sides made mistakes beforehand. In church leadership, we must mentor, equip and encourage couples to establish God's plan for relationships and marriage. Silence is doing no good in helping people build a foundation for a lifelong marriage. My prayer is that this next generation will honor marriage as God's picture of His unconditional love for us!

This amazing video poem by Jeff Bethke sums it up perfectly:

"This poem mainly focuses on anyone who has been deeply affected, hurt, and damaged by sexual sin. Forgiveness and mercy are given freely by Jesus. He cleans, restores, and heals us beyond measure and asks nothing in return. He saw all our sin and filth before he went to the cross and it was still his joy to go get us."  Jeff Bethke

How to Defeat Pornography

“Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more." Ephesians 4:19

Pornography. It is a significant problem in today's culture, but many people shy away from talking about it. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. An "industry" that takes advantage of even young girls is a part of this sick, twisted lifestyle. In our media saturated culture, students are at finger tip accessibility to thousands of websites.

Pornography is more accessible than ever before. Before it was only found in magazines. Now, it is easily accessible by cell phones, iPods, and iPads. Mobile tools are being used more than the family computer. Pornography is a fast-paced train picking up steam. Statistics show that it is becoming more out of control. In every past civilization that has failed, sexual sin was one of the main reasons for their demise. "Sexting" is the newest form of pornography. People will send pictures and live video of each other through their cell phones and computers. Girls are sending inappropriate pictures to guys many times because they want attention. Guys are manipulating girls and taking advantage of them for their own sick pleasure. Video games are becoming more and more saturated with pornography. Parents need to be aware of the types of games their students are playing because some of the "M" rated games have traces of porn. Social networking is even becoming more saturated with porn every day.

Sexual perversion is the reason that pornography is demoralizing our culture. Lust and an appetite for more is at the heart of our sinful nature. Men and women are captured in this lifestyle. Pornography desensitizes a person to look at another person to fulfill their sexual appetite and perversion.

How do parents help their students win the battle of pornography?

- Talk to each other about it. I'm amazed at the amount of parents who are afraid to talk about sex, pornography and choices with their children. Trust me, if we are not teaching them a healthy view then they will get an unhealthy view from someone else. Help them understand that our eyes can be the doorway to our heart and because of that we must guard our eyes. When you talk to them about it, never shame or yell at them over it. Use it as a teaching moment and to create a healthy bond to talk about overcoming pornography. It is crucial for the Father to talk to their son about it and the Mother talk to the daughter about it. This will help with the "awkwardness" that will come up. Many students are deceived into thinking that their immorality now won’t cost them later. Here are three verses that we should memorize and meditate upon daily:

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 (NLT)

“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Follow anything that makes you want to do right. 2 Timothy 2:22 (NLT)

“I made a covenant with my eyes to not look lustfully at a girl.” Job 31:1

- Set clear boundaries. One obvious boundary is to not allow your student to have a computer in their bedroom. Let them know that when we look at any unhealthy sexual image, your mind takes a picture of it and stores it in your brain for the rest of your life. The more of these images you allow yourself to see, the more pictures your brain will store away. What you and I see affects how we think and how we will act. Another important boundary is internet access on their mobile phone. I'm amazed at how many parents refuse to admit their child will struggle with it. I encourage you to set boundaries that will protect and encourage them to be pure.

- Keep each other accountable. In order to be accountable, we have to be honest. If a person is struggling with a porn addiction, they need to talk to a friend about it. I'm always trying to find practical resources to help with accountability. Here are my top two resources for defeating pornography addiction.

Covenant eyes. Covenant Eyes offers an internet browser for the iPhone,  iPod touch, and iPad.

Cost is: $8.99 per month for accountability (you choose who your internet report is sent to) and filtering is $4.99 per month. For each additional user is $2.00 per month on accountability and $1.50 for filtering.

X3 watch. It is an accountability tool put out by XXXchurch. It is only $7 per month and is similar to Covenant eyes.

"X3watch is a free accountability software program helping with online integrity. Whenever you access a website that contains inappropriate or pornographic material, the program will record the website, time, and date the site was visited. A person of your choice (an accountability partner) will receive an email containing all inappropriate sites you have visited that week."

In order to defeat the addiction to pornography, drastic measures have to be taken. You cannot simply pray about it and expect immediate change, especially for people who are addicted. When I was a teenager I looked at porn and then began to struggle with it for a few months. Through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I found freedom when I confessed it to God and went to my parents and brothers. I memorized scripture based on this area of my life and through accountability and the power of Jesus, I have been pure. It must be a continual battle and fight! We need to be passionate about surrendering any area of our life to Jesus.

I encourage you to talk to a trusted friend or parent, set clear boundaries and be accountable. Only through the power of Christ can we be pure in today's culture. Wisdom and accountability is needed to be pure in our culture.

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." James 5:16

Are we ignoring the elephant in the room? Do we really think that our own students and children are not struggling with the temptation of pornography?

The Courage Shortage

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthian 16:13 

We are in need of men in leadership to be courageous. It is easy to cower in fear over the troubles and problems that face our world, but we are called to be courageous and not to fear.

Courage "is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement (dictionary)."

How to have courage as a leader:

1. Clarity – We need to be crystal clear on what it means to be a follower of Christ. We need to understand the purpose of knowing why you live your life. Courage knows exactly what truth is and stands firm. It does not mean we are always right, but we desire to live for Christ. Eternity is the focus. Energy is spent towards people coming to know Christ. Energy is exhausted in pouring into other people to help them grow spiritually. A courageous leader realizes that tradition is not as important as God’s Word. Man-made rules do not matter more than God's Word. Clarity leads to wise decisions that build God's church.

2. Confidence in God’s Call - A courageous leader knows their purpose. We trust God despite our circumstances. Although we might disagree with decisions of others, we are obedient to authority. We know that God is working and we desire to fulfill His calling. A courageous leader spends time in the Word. Listening and praying through decisions. A courageous leader will listen to God's call more than what other people say.

3. Character - Courage builds upon character. Small, everyday decisions builds character. Being a courageous leader can be a lonely road. Honesty leads to openness between people and ultimately builds trust. The courageous leader reflects the love of Christ to others in how they act. Are we caring for our wives and children? Do we care more about the church or do we care about our families and our health? If we lose our families and our health, we lose! Character is vitally important in our homes. Character in our homes will pour out in our public lives.

Men, we need to step up and be courageous in clarity, confidence in God's call and character.

One of the ways that men need to be courageous is in how they treat women. Across the globe, pornography and sex-trafficking are on the rise. Recently a team from our church went to Ethiopia to help with rescuing girls out of the sex-trafficking. I recently watched a video from the Resurgence on this issue. Pornography is a huge industry, even more than sports. We need courageous men to be pure in heart. We need men to admit their struggle with it and repent of it. Pornography is Satan's biggest weapon in our time. If men are cowards in their morals, everything else will crumble. But, when men become courageous and stand for Christ, an awakening will occur!

Watch this video:

Jacob's Story from Unearthed on Vimeo.