Parents are Vital

#1: parents are vital. I remember coming out of college with a passion to lead and encourage students to pursue Christ. In my first few years of ministry I remember having a disdain towards some parents. I know this sounds horrible right? I equated their students decisions to their parenting. I actually thought I knew better than most parents. What I did not realize is that many parents are in dire need of encouragement, prayer and support. I quickly learned that my time with the students pales in comparison to their time at home. As I repented of my attitude, I quickly learned that ministry to students is only one half of the goal.

The family is the most influential aspect of a student's life. Leading students means ministering to them AND their families. Including and using parents in the ministry is crucial to building a healthy foundation. Over time I have realized that if we can impact parents with the gospel, we will in turn see a stronger growth in their students lives!

What I Wish I knew about parents in student ministry:

• Be an advocate. Teach students to fight FOR the relationship with their parents instead of fighting against them. Teach students on a regular basis the importance of being under the authority of their parents (as long as they are not being abused, etc).
• Admit when you are wrong. Admit you do not have all the answers. Ask forgiveness when you make a mistake.
• Resource parents to lead in the home. We offer a weekly email with the message outline and discussion questions for parents to use in the home.
• Hang out and listen. Parents appreciate sharing about their children. Listen to them without offering your ideas on, "10 steps to change your child." Listen with the heart. Listening will build trust and support from parents.
• Time Matters. Parents are working full-time jobs as well as raising a family. Start when you say you will start a meeting or event. End when you let them know you will end. Remember, they have a lot of responsibilities, so value their time.
• Communicate all the time. Maintain a healthy level of communication to parents on a regular basis. Just when you think you have communicated enough, do it again! I'd encourage you to cover all the bases (email, facebook, twitter, snail mail, bulletin inserts, parent newsletter and so forth).
• Find opportunities to get to know unchurched parents. Many times the only way you can talk to parents is when they come to pick up their student. In order to build a relationship, we must take the initiative. Sometimes it helps parents see that the church is there to support them as a family and not just provide a "free childcare" service.
• Champion parents. Let students know how much you appreciate their family. Praise their parents in front of the students. Share kind words to the students in front of their parents. Build a bridge between the student and their parent. Our goal is to help the family grow closer to each other and God.

What are some ways you have grown in ministering to parents? What tips do you have to share?

Defeating Two types of Porn

I'm stepping out into new territory into the land of controversy. I've written about visual pornography in a post titled, "How to defeat pornography." Most everyone would agree that visual pornography is a serious issue in today's culture. Today, I'm going to bring up another aspect of pornography. The emotional type. I ask you to have an open mind and think through the implications of both types of pornography. Two types of pornography:

Visual Porn (fantasizing for sexual fulfillment). Physical or visual pornography are setting up relationships to struggle and possibly fail. Why? Because physical porn places unrealistic expectations and twisted, satanic perversion upon others. Without knowing it, many men apply what they have seen to their wives and the result is a damaged marriage and sometimes divorce. To read more about defeating visual pornography, go here.

Emotional Pornography  (fantasizing for emotional fulfillment): Yes, I said it. We talk a lot about physical or visual porn, what about the mind and heart? The obsession of romance is overabundant in today's culture. Love is defined as fantasy driven. The perfect guy makes the girl happy at any cost no matter how the girl acts. Emotional porn craves any emotional high from a movie or experience.

For example, most of the biggest box office movies are chick flicks. If you notice, most of the movies involve premarital sex as "love" and portray a perfectly "in tune with the emotions" guy who comes and saves the day. Now, there are some good ones out there but a majority are simply emotional porn. Twilight is a good example of love gone wrong. I do not understand the lure of a vampire or a werewolf being attractive or romantic? One wants to drink your blood and the other will eat you? How is that sweet and romantic? ( ; Now, I am stepping into dangerous territory by having this opinion. What happens when women place unrealistic expectations and twisted "stalker like" passion over a movie character or book novel? It can affect the relationship with a spouse. It creates a frustration of perfection and comparison.

Emotional porn sets up relationships to struggle and possibly fail. Why? Because emotions play a vital role in a relationship. If you are like me, if I watch a show, my emotions easily lead me astray. The person who is guilty is portrayed as "right" in the situation. Without knowing it, I'm cheering for the person who has committed the crime!  Love is about commitment to the long haul, not momentary emotions and feelings!

 Here is my question. If visual porn is obviously damaging and perverted, then why is it acceptable for women to fantasize and make sexual comments about a movie character, athlete or book novel? Have we made the statement, "I wish my husband was like this guy!" Ladies, instead of nagging and beating him down, affirm the positive in his life. Let him know that you are committed to him and be grateful for what he does instead of comparing him to an unrealistic movie or novel. Encouragement will create more of a desire to be romantic and pursue the relationship!

The most important aspect of a marriage relationship is to be trustworthy, loyal and committed. What I am not saying is that a movie, book or mistake is what will damage a relationship forever. But, a continual filling of emotional or physical porn is the goal of Satan to destroy your marriage and mine by creating unrealistic expectations. Jesus is the only way that we can "complete" us. Fulfillment and purpose is built on the foundation of a growing relationship with Christ. Marriage is God's idea. It is a journey to learn to study each other and become experts at showing love and commitment to each other. Let's stand firm on not letting anything or anyone take the place of the covenant marriage relationship.

What are your thoughts? Is visual porn and emotional porn both worthy of discussing? I'd like to hear from you! 

Is Small Group for Me or Them?

Small groups are different in every church. Everyone seems to have their own explanation of how they should be run. Everyone has their own definition for community groups, small groups, life groups, connection groups and yes, sunday school! Does group mentality and motive matter in order to build a healthy small group? I think so. The question that many ask is, "what is in it for me?" instead of, "who can I encourage, love and support in my small group?" The cultural norm is to look at activities, events and groups we get involved in with selfish attitudes. We all have struggles, pain, opinions, attitudes and life experiences. When you combine all of these in one group, it will be far from perfect. Small groups are messy. The question then becomes, Is this small group for me or for others?

Small group ministry is one of the most powerful aspects of the church. It is a priority to have a small group that builds community and love.  A group that is healthy will consistently reiterate the purpose of the group in order to stay focused on reaching the lost and well as growing disciples. Many times we use the term, "doing life together." Doing life together means we spur each other onto spiritual maturity. Doing life together does not mean it becomes all about our own preferences and desires. And by the way, spiritual maturity is about setting an example.

Spiritual maturity is...

• Loving those who do not show it in return. "But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere." James 3:17.
• Applying Matthew 18 and talking to those which you have a problem with and stop talking about them.
• Overlooking other people's mistakes because of their own mistakes. "Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs." Proverbs 19:11.
• Praying for those who do not know Christ.
• Caring for the interests of others and not your own.Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
• Agenda of grace and not a personal agenda of preferences.

Is small group just about a "closed group" mentality where it is all about ourselves or is there more to it? I sure hope so. Living "inwardly" basically tells a broken world that we are too busy to share the life changing message of the gospel with them.

Evangelism and discipleship are not divorced from each other. A healthy small group will be actively reaching and inviting lost people. Why? Because a disciple makes disciples (Matthew 28:19-20). Many struggle with this because it goes against the grain of what is most comfortable. Small groups that have an inward encouragement to one another and an outward love for those who need Jesus are the healthiest.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on small group mentality? Is it just for the group or a little of both evangelism and discipleship?